Al anon when dating recovered alcoholic
Im hoping to get some feedback because Im pretty sure Im losing perspective of the situation. Nine months ago, I started dating a recovering alcoholic. I didnt know anything about alcoholism at the time so I had no clue as to what I was about to get myself into. There were no hugs or encouragement, but there was definitely either a lot of discipline or just plain neglect. Its gotten to the point where either I act so self-sufficient that I dont let people in or if I do let them in, I start subverting my own will/voice/needs in hopes of avoiding conflict. I either dont let them in because Im afraid theyll let me down and I will want to leave or I start treating myself like a second class citizen because I dont want them to leave me. He doesnt want to make a formal commitment to me because he hasnt returned to work yet and doesnt have any reliable income coming in. I know the right thing to do is to step back from the relationship, ask him to spend more time at his own place and start standing up for myself. I feel like the situation has become all or nothing.
He seemed sincere about his recovery, so I decided he deserved a chance and we started going out. I just dont seem to have the strength of character. I feel crippled by all of this; mostly because I havent mastered the right tools to manage my relationships. I fear that if I get into it with him, that it will be the end of the relationship. Im really glad that you found us and look forward to getting to know you. One day I hope that I will be second along side of his kids.
I jumped right into learning everything I could about alcoholism. And somehow, hes managed to get himself a get-out-of-jail free card because hes a recovering alcoholic. I dont want the relationship to because when Im not obsessing, our time together is brilliant and Im not ready to let go. I will offer now to move this to Friends and Family fourm, only because you will get alot more response over there then here.... I know you have gone to Al'anon meetings and it sounds like you have checked out ACo A.... I can however tell you if he did not show me respect, if he was unwilling to commit to me (and that is what I wanted) NO excuses, If he did not do something to continue his growth, if he just hung out at my house all the time and did not give me some space and or contribut to cost, if he did not talk to me and tell me 100 times a day (or however much I needed to feel secure) how he feels about me and that he loves me, If I had to force inticimacy, If he did not take my feelings into consideration and truely work with me....................
Take away the booze and it could have been me talking to a room full of people. I made an appointment with a counsellor and halfway into our session, she asked me to read the twelve characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics. I was bowled over by the revelation and none too happy about it. No one in my immediate family suffered from alcoholism, but the atmosphere in my house sure felt like something was wrong. My boyfriend is always at my house and I mean always! Ive forced the issue and he claims that his actions should speak louder than words, but that just doesnt cut it for me. I dont know if I can stay with someone who only once in a blue moon thinks about my feelings.
he is this little triangle that hobbles along looking for a place to fit in.
it didn't matter where he would place himself it just wasn't right. Unfortunately, I have this fantasy in my head that someday I tell him all my fears, insecurities and needs and then he reciprocates.
you sound like you have some healing to do yourself, and you can't do that if you're constantly worrying about what is going on with his mental/emotional state of mind. you are, however, responsible for you and your well being. it really sounds like you really need to step back. for the first time in my life, i KNOW THAT I HAVE NO BUSINESS being in a relationship of that type (intimate bf) until i learn to give all of those things that i would expect HIM to give to me to myself. You want to hear him say he's staying around and not going anywhere, you want him to say he loves you and wants to be with you.
I dread the day where I actually work up enough courage to tell him that I need my home back to myself.
Truth is, I like his company and I like having him around.
You need and want proof (formal validation), reassurance of some kind.
Yet you are with a man who has told you he doesn't talk about his feelings.